It's been a while

Hey. It's been a while. Yes, I know. For whatever reason, I've been hesitant to write. Maybe it's reading my own feelings, admitting my feelings, I don't know. I just know for the past 4 weeks, I've felt the urge to write but always found an excuse to not write. There has been so much ogoing on. From having a clothed orgy w with the naked girl and the funny big headed boy, to divorcing my "best" friend, to preparing to move to London, to growing closer with my family- blood and extended, to becoming okay and content being alone. To actually thinking that I am happy. Dare I utter those words? I really think I am happy. This is what it feels like. I just feel more relaxed, content, distracted. I mean, I have my days- if you ever ask me if I am unhappy, if I say yes- 100% of the time, my unhappiness is caused by my work. Not in my personal life. Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on finding a partner, or experience sharing my life with someone. I still want that, but I don't feel like I am missing something, I don't feel as much of a void anymore. I am not exactly sure why I don't feel as much of a void or what has filled that void. I don't know. What I do know, is that I don't think the filler is external to me. I think I have filled it some how. I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. All I know is that I have decided to draw lines, to end those things that need to be ended. To really take time for me- quality time. To really reflect on what I want. To accept me. I am still working on my need to please others. I still feed that. But I am at least conscious. I could say that is where I am now- learning to operate consciously in this world. Be a conscious person. Because I wasn't before. I was comatose. Sleep walking since I was born. well i am sure at some time I was conscious but in protecting my mind and spirit, my self went into a coma. Just operated on robot drive- and when the time was right, it decided to go manual. Does any of this make sense? Maybe not. I am high right now. So just babbling the first thing that comes to my mind.
I do love Bjork. I am listening to her right now- Pagan Poetry to be exact. She speaks volumes. Her words and if not her words, the with which she sings with compassion, unrestrained feelings, naked. Her music speaks my feelings. I haven't been right since that Bjork concert. I wonder I can operate in this world. I still feel so alien. I don't know why I feel so alien. And why can't I find the person that matches my alien- someone from my planet my place of birth? Why do I feel so alien, born at the wrong time, born to the wrong people in the wrong place? Why? I know that all things are perfect- but I think I or my arrival is the one imperfection.
Anyways. Think that is all for me. I can't think anything really more that I want or need to say.

Today I saw her naked

I feel a little awkward blogging about this because it's something that I want to keep quiet but profess at the same time. I guess, I just won't use names. I would be embarrassed if she read this post. And she may be embarrassed and hurt as well. That is something that I don't want to do. So I won't use any identifiable descriptions of her. (That's kind of my disclaimer in the event that she does read this. Sorry, girly.)

anyways. yeah, this woman I have a girl crush on- maybe more or less serious, just walked out of the shower naked in front of me today. She toweled off and put on lotion, then asked me to zip her dress. i tried not to be shocked or stare, which I am sure she picked on. she's pretty in tuned like that. I am not comfortable speaking about this because 1. i feel i am doing something wrong- not because it's a girl but because i feel i am crossing some boundary. she is my friend, i know her boyfriend, i know her family- intimately. so, i am being a bit disrespectful- you know? 2. setting myself up for hurt if i allow myself to entertain these feelings. you know? so, i just should stop. but sometimes our conversations are such that i can't help but feel a crush. and just for a moment entertain a what if? what if she were to feel the same way? what if she were to act on it? what if we were to act on it?

we've been spending too much time together, speaking too intimately, connecting too much. dammit bjork, it's all her fault. she allows you to be free- express freely, love unrestrained. she awakens that desire becuase she seems to love so freely.

I am afraid I will become obsessed or a stalker. but the fear goes away because i know i have too much sense. I am too freaking rational and not easily lead by emotion. For better or for worse.

I have to leave it there because I am not ready to talk about it. Not ready to really entertain it at its depths. not break it down...

Thursday

Hello. I am not so freaked and frustrated today. I have a game plan. I just have to be a hermit. I am some one struggling with an addiction. An addiction to food. Just like an alcoholic, until I become stronger, I need to avoid social gatherings that tempt my food addication until I am strong enough to not crave or cave. So, no going out to bars, dinners limited. And it's crucial to be a recluse in those beginning days/weeks. I am suppose to meet friends for dinner, and I just don't want to. Not up to it. So, I will cancel. I am not happy at this size. I am about 180. I don't even know exactly because I refuse to step on a scale. Well not refuse but avoid stepping on a scale. I need to get the facts and move from there.

I signed up for swimming lessons that start next Saturday. So sky diving is out. I have to come up with something to not go. That would have been fun but it means missing my first swim lesson- which is not acceptable. I wonder if I will be there with a bunch of kids I don't know. Anyways. The pool opened as well. So I can swim at 630am in the morning. In order to wake up that early in the morning- must leave here around 6, 545 with clothes to wear for that day, I must go to bed at a decent time. You know?

I have so many clothes in my closet that I am about 10 lbs overweight to wear. Or 1 maybe 2 dress sizes too heavy to wear. And they are cute clothes. I want to where them. So, it will be October Monday. My period comes tomorrow or this weekend- so, let's start now. Commit to losing 5 lbs AT LEAST during the month of October. Go to the gym for a weigh in on Monday maybe Saturday on the way back from Tsambeka. And track it from there. Lose 2 lbs or so a week. Commit. That's what we are talking about here. Making a commitment. So, less socializing and see where that gets us. We have SOOOOO many cute clothes 1 size too small.

I go to Boston tomorrow for recruiting. Kinda wishing I didn't accept... uggghhhh

Besos.

I did entertain the idea of starving myself.

Accckkkk

I've been avoiding my blog for the last 15 minutes. AJ:LFKDSJFLKJSDFKLJ:SLDKFJ:KLDSJFLKDSJFkl;j so tired of everything. I just stuffed mky face of crap food. And don't know why. Lard moving through my veins. My body dtrugglin' to quarentine the trash I just consumed. I slowly and deliberately kill myself and don't know why. My brain is just swimming in sludge. I can't think clearly, smoothly. I get adgitated by little shit fucking stupid people. I shop to numb myself and not deal. I am constantly on the fucking computer living vicariously through the various Wikipedia profiles that I read. Why can't I be more like my brother. Not giving a fuck and taking care of himself. wshy am I not drivin to take care of myself???? Why do I not care enough about myself, my appearance to be disciplined and commit to taking care of myself. I am looking at it rwrong. I am doing it for vain reasons as opposed to healthy reasons. I have too much stuff. I don't need to shop anymore. I have enough food. I should use what I have and be creative. I have enough clothes. If I lose weight and take care of myself, I can fit them and have a limitless wardrobe. I was healthy 18 months ago. And it all fell apart. dsflkjasdf;iljasdlfjasldkfja;dslfjlskj;asfldjlsdjf;aldsj so frustrated by everything. because i want a quick fix. i want to go back before him. before he ruined everything. be for he invaded my life, my space, my cocoon. i want to go back. wipe it from my memory, my cells memory. refuse his approaches. it has to stop now. i almost pray for an illness taht would stop me from consuming. stop me from consuming, clothes, things, people. just being content and taking what is necessary. I am so anxious. I see people like bjork and just want to be as free. i can be as free, i just have to be who i am. but who am i? i can't even tell if i like sex, men, women... so frustrated. i need a way, show me a way. help me find my way. how many times have i fucking asked this before. and i go for it, for 1 day maybe 2. that's all it lasts before i succumb and consume. its like my will, my mind laughs at me. it allows me to entertain the thought before laughing in my face.

I just want seclusion. no friends, no going out. just me. i have to see my family. but that's it. a select few. i should rid myself of this blasted computer as well. no outside communication outside of work. that's it.

short post today.

Happy Belated Birthday to me

It's been a while. Apologies for the absence. I just wasn't feeling writing. It could be to the copious amount of smoking I did since Wednesday. Today is my first fully sober day- no smokes, no drinks. It was okay. Spent the day at my dad's and his wife's with my little sis and little brother. Good times. My birthday was fun. Pretty uneventful. I hung out with a friend, shopped and that's pretty much it.

Today I had an interesting conversation with my dad's wife- my step mom. I don't remember what we were talking about, but somehow the topic of my sexuality came up. She assumed that I was gay or dated women or dated a woman before. I asked her why she thought so, and she said I gave off a vibe of being attracted to women. I wasn't offended or put off- a little shocked only because we were talking about it so openly- but not in a bad way. I was open and honest. Told her- I don't know. I never dated a woman. I am attracted to women- but no more than a man. I could see myself having an intense emotional relationship with a woman but not sexual one. I am not sure why, though. I feel attracted to women- there are women that I meet that I want to know more. I want to know more about them- is this called attraction? When I say I want to know more, I mean that I want to know where they are from, their history, background, where they live, etc. I don't look at them physically- well I may check them out but I check out everyone. I size up everyone. I am intrigued when I see a lesbian or lesbian couple. If it is a single lesbian, I want to go up to her, just try talking to her- see if she is attracted to me. It's almost as if I am gauging her reaction to indicate to me whether or not I am a lesbo. Does that make sense?
I don't know. When it comes to guys, I feel the same way. I am attracted to men. I want to get to know some men better. I want to date men. But is this because of society reinforcing the idea that women and men are supposed to be together. That I am suppose to be swept off my feet by a strong man with a solid physique. He is suppose to protect me from everyone, be my confident, best friend. Then he buys me the big diamond ring, that looks great on my manicured nails, and we have the big, fun wedding. Then we have kids and I stop working. He is my provider. I can't imagine any of this with a woman. So, it doesn't attract me. Am I more attracted to the story sold to me? Is that what I want? I can't see having it with a woman because society doesn't tell me that I can, therefore, I don't want to be with a woman. I want to be with a man, so that story can become mine? Maybe that's it. In fact, I know that's it. Whenever, I think of myself of possibly being a lesbian, I am not happy. I get sad and scared. I don't want to be one is what my little says. I wonder what happens to the white wedding, the wedding ring, the kids, the nuclear American family? It goes away is what my little says. I do think about what some of my family members will thin. I wonder if I can have the big, happy extended family that I so desire. I don't think I can as a lesbian, therefore I reject it.
As a lesbian, who will be my protector? Who will be my provider? Can there be a lesbo relationship that's balanced meaning neither one is more butch than the other? We are both not obvious in our sexual status. Is that possible?

I was out with my brother last weekend, and I saw this group of lesbians celebrating a birthday, and I so wanted to belong. I wanted to hang out with them, too. I wanted to date one of them. Is that attraction? If I saw a pack of guys looking like they are having a good time, I would totally want the same thing. Is it just my sense of wanting to belong?

I think the only way I can solve this mystery is by dating a woman. That's the only way I will know. I feel badly using her to figure out my sexual status. But I just gotta do it. It's bothering me. I have a feeling that I won't know for sure even if I date a woman. Maybe I am just bisexual- see the benefits of both sexes. Attracted to both sexes. Or maybe I am afraid to commit to one team- not wanting to lose out.

Anyways. Tomorrow I am going to the bjork concert- if my friend calls me or texts me to confirm my attendance. I swear, Sags have goods and bads- they are loads of fun but boy do they suck at follow up and follow through. I understand living by the seat of one's pants- living in that moment- but I have a job and won't be coming home before the concert. So, I need to know if I should pack that extra outfit.

Besos.
Me
xo

Today is my Thursday

Hey kids. That's right. Today is my Thursday. It is actually Tuesday, but I am not going to work on Thursday or Friday. Thursday is my birthday. So, of course, no work on that day. Friday- well, why would I go to work on Friday after taking off Thursday. What do I plan to do? Go to my Pilates, then a spa, then kick it. Do nothing and worry about nothing! I might just stay buzzed, but I don't really enjoy the hangovers or the alcohol infused burps. So, I will need to find some other buzz to take me out of my reality. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel any kind of way about turning 29, I just want to zone out. I've been wanting to zone out for a while now but haven't had the opportunity because I either have early morning or after work commitments. But these 2 days are mine.

I went to Pilates today. Loved it. I don't really look forward to it before hand because I know it's going to kick my ass. But I certainly enjoy it while I am there. I don't think about anything just trying to make my body do what the instructors do with ease. I stuck to my eating plan. Second day in a row I haven't gone to the canteen during some time at lunch. Let's see how long I can boycott and how much money I save. That caf is soooo expensive. Anyways. I didn't stick to my plan of NOT visiting the gossip sights. I did go onto Perez and DListed. I was just bored. Next time, I should just get up and walk outside. Yeah, the days are beautiful now, so I should just get up, walk around outside, return to my desk refreshed.

I have to remember that these things take time. Losing weight takes time, changing habits take time, growing nails takes time. In this instant gratification society, we aren't used to things taking time. We notice when things take one second longer to process. One second. So, I am easily frustrated when I work out and the next day my clothes fit the same. I had to remind myself today, that I have been seriously working out and eating healthily for TWO days- since MONDAY. I chuckled because you would have sworn I have worked out for at least one week. We need to slow down. I mean, I love the technology developments that have happened over the last 10 years. It's nutz- it seemed to take us soooo long to get from the ENIAC (a computer that took up a room) to the personal desk top computer. I remember when laptops were the size of a carry on luggage- we had one. I remember when monitors were bulky and your only font color choice was green. Or maybe black if you changed the screen to green. I remember. Now, a computer 3 months old is outdated. It's crazy how quickly this society is progressing, but we must be careful. We must remember that not everything can come to us instantly. Real change takes time. That sounds so cliche right now, and my vocab isn't operating at full capacity, but it is very true. Real change takes time. I have to remember this. I could crash diet, starve myself, get liposuction but how long will that last and how much damage will I do to my body. Starving and plastic surgery only address the superficial issue. I want to change my eating and health habit fundamentally. In order to do that, I must be conscious in the effort, aware of my emotional reaction towards food, think about the driving force behind me wanting to eat food outside of my home. Really think about it. Because me eating out, me eating unconsciously is the visible outcome or product or representation of what's really going on inside. Or my lack of foundation, whatever. My vocab handicaps me in this moment. I can't find the words to describe this. But I know what it is. And I know that it will take time. I must take it one day at a time. And some time in November, I will remember the state of mind I am in now and be astonished at how far I have come and why I was ever hear in the first place.

Wow. That was a lot. It's funny. Each night I sit here and type. But I didn't start out wanting to type. I thought about writing this blog and all of the sudden I got busy. There were a million chores I had to do before blogging. Hoping that by the time they are complete, I would be too exhausted to really write and express my feelings.

I like blogging. I am glad that I got the idea from my higher self, as my spiritual advisor would say, to act on it.

Okay. Think that's it. And it's funny, I never really blog about what I thought I wanted to blog about. What is it I wanted to blog about today? I can't remember. Oh yeah, I want to start taking acting lessons soon. Not to become an actress but to help with expression and maybe meet some people

Besos.
Me.
xo

Second

Hello. Yes, I know, I am not too creative with the blog titles. give me a break. I am a newbie. As my creative self becomes more confident and resourceful, I am sure I will have more interesting titles to my blog. But for now, you will receive the quick and easy.

How are ya'll today? I am well, thanks. It was a busy day non stop. Went to work and actually worked. Man, it's intense, and I am bored and unmotivated. I did exercise as promised, though! I also signed up for lots of Pilates classes this week, so I am going to kick ass! Good bday gift for me. I also signed up for a Kripalu Pilates retreat with Brooke Stiler! She owns the studio that I work out at. How cool is that? I love that place- both ReAb and Kripalu.

Can I just say that ReAb Bleeker is sooooo much better than Core NYC. I keep meaning write an email or give it a rating on city search. But the instructors at ReAb and ReAb in general are just so unpretentious. The instructors aren't afraid to get down and dirty in the moves. They push, stretch, pull you so assist you in your Pilates lesson. They touch you- shocking, I know. It's great. I leave there feeling strong and like I've progressed. The instructors at CoreNYC were too busy looking at themselves in the mirror to make sure that I had my poses down. They each would stand there with a bottled water and watch as I tried, in vain, to get the poses. Don't get me wrong, the CoreNYC instructures are all nice people, but I don't do Pilates or private lessons to meet someone nice and gentle. I want a challange! Anyways. If you are looking for a studio- ReAb is the place. It is a little more expensive (Pilates is in general) but well worth it, in comparison to Core NYC.

I stuck to my promise of no Perez. I did do DListed once- more like three times. I had a choc chip granola bar- but I think it's all grain sweetened. I brought my lunch from home and my breakfast. I drank my water and tea. I also EXERCISED! Did my cardio and weights. I feel good. Now, I have solid Pilates until Sunday! I am going to hurt but it will feel good.

I had my therapy session today. Yep, I am just like every other NY'er, I have a therapist. Pretty soon she or Pilates are going to have to give. This 3-some will not last long. I think Pilates will win out because my therapist isn't helping my waistline. I do like my therapist, she's cool- laid back, down to earth. I like that I have a standing appointment- just like on tv!

Uggghhh- I shouldn't of had the second helping of tuna salad- yep I made that for lunch. Used Veganaise- which rocks. And some other healthy goodies. It was good. I just should have stopped! That's what I need to master if I expect to lose weight- know when to say when. I ate the 2nd helping- not because I was still hungry- but because it tasted so damn good. It's not going any place!!!! I could have left it. So the fuck what. I am going to have it for lunch tomorrow. That's good enough. See IGD- Instant Gratification Disease. It's an American Epidemic. Does that even make sense?

Anyways. That's all for today, kids.

Me
xo