It's been a while

Hey. It's been a while. Yes, I know. For whatever reason, I've been hesitant to write. Maybe it's reading my own feelings, admitting my feelings, I don't know. I just know for the past 4 weeks, I've felt the urge to write but always found an excuse to not write. There has been so much ogoing on. From having a clothed orgy w with the naked girl and the funny big headed boy, to divorcing my "best" friend, to preparing to move to London, to growing closer with my family- blood and extended, to becoming okay and content being alone. To actually thinking that I am happy. Dare I utter those words? I really think I am happy. This is what it feels like. I just feel more relaxed, content, distracted. I mean, I have my days- if you ever ask me if I am unhappy, if I say yes- 100% of the time, my unhappiness is caused by my work. Not in my personal life. Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on finding a partner, or experience sharing my life with someone. I still want that, but I don't feel like I am missing something, I don't feel as much of a void anymore. I am not exactly sure why I don't feel as much of a void or what has filled that void. I don't know. What I do know, is that I don't think the filler is external to me. I think I have filled it some how. I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. All I know is that I have decided to draw lines, to end those things that need to be ended. To really take time for me- quality time. To really reflect on what I want. To accept me. I am still working on my need to please others. I still feed that. But I am at least conscious. I could say that is where I am now- learning to operate consciously in this world. Be a conscious person. Because I wasn't before. I was comatose. Sleep walking since I was born. well i am sure at some time I was conscious but in protecting my mind and spirit, my self went into a coma. Just operated on robot drive- and when the time was right, it decided to go manual. Does any of this make sense? Maybe not. I am high right now. So just babbling the first thing that comes to my mind.
I do love Bjork. I am listening to her right now- Pagan Poetry to be exact. She speaks volumes. Her words and if not her words, the with which she sings with compassion, unrestrained feelings, naked. Her music speaks my feelings. I haven't been right since that Bjork concert. I wonder I can operate in this world. I still feel so alien. I don't know why I feel so alien. And why can't I find the person that matches my alien- someone from my planet my place of birth? Why do I feel so alien, born at the wrong time, born to the wrong people in the wrong place? Why? I know that all things are perfect- but I think I or my arrival is the one imperfection.
Anyways. Think that is all for me. I can't think anything really more that I want or need to say.