It's been a while. Apologies for the absence. I just wasn't feeling writing. It could be to the copious amount of smoking I did since Wednesday. Today is my first fully sober day- no smokes, no drinks. It was okay. Spent the day at my dad's and his wife's with my little sis and little brother. Good times. My birthday was fun. Pretty uneventful. I hung out with a friend, shopped and that's pretty much it.
Today I had an interesting conversation with my dad's wife- my step mom. I don't remember what we were talking about, but somehow the topic of my sexuality came up. She assumed that I was gay or dated women or dated a woman before. I asked her why she thought so, and she said I gave off a vibe of being attracted to women. I wasn't offended or put off- a little shocked only because we were talking about it so openly- but not in a bad way. I was open and honest. Told her- I don't know. I never dated a woman. I am attracted to women- but no more than a man. I could see myself having an intense emotional relationship with a woman but not sexual one. I am not sure why, though. I feel attracted to women- there are women that I meet that I want to know more. I want to know more about them- is this called attraction? When I say I want to know more, I mean that I want to know where they are from, their history, background, where they live, etc. I don't look at them physically- well I may check them out but I check out everyone. I size up everyone. I am intrigued when I see a lesbian or lesbian couple. If it is a single lesbian, I want to go up to her, just try talking to her- see if she is attracted to me. It's almost as if I am gauging her reaction to indicate to me whether or not I am a lesbo. Does that make sense?
I don't know. When it comes to guys, I feel the same way. I am attracted to men. I want to get to know some men better. I want to date men. But is this because of society reinforcing the idea that women and men are supposed to be together. That I am suppose to be swept off my feet by a strong man with a solid physique. He is suppose to protect me from everyone, be my confident, best friend. Then he buys me the big diamond ring, that looks great on my manicured nails, and we have the big, fun wedding. Then we have kids and I stop working. He is my provider. I can't imagine any of this with a woman. So, it doesn't attract me. Am I more attracted to the story sold to me? Is that what I want? I can't see having it with a woman because society doesn't tell me that I can, therefore, I don't want to be with a woman. I want to be with a man, so that story can become mine? Maybe that's it. In fact, I know that's it. Whenever, I think of myself of possibly being a lesbian, I am not happy. I get sad and scared. I don't want to be one is what my little says. I wonder what happens to the white wedding, the wedding ring, the kids, the nuclear American family? It goes away is what my little says. I do think about what some of my family members will thin. I wonder if I can have the big, happy extended family that I so desire. I don't think I can as a lesbian, therefore I reject it.
As a lesbian, who will be my protector? Who will be my provider? Can there be a lesbo relationship that's balanced meaning neither one is more butch than the other? We are both not obvious in our sexual status. Is that possible?
I was out with my brother last weekend, and I saw this group of lesbians celebrating a birthday, and I so wanted to belong. I wanted to hang out with them, too. I wanted to date one of them. Is that attraction? If I saw a pack of guys looking like they are having a good time, I would totally want the same thing. Is it just my sense of wanting to belong?
I think the only way I can solve this mystery is by dating a woman. That's the only way I will know. I feel badly using her to figure out my sexual status. But I just gotta do it. It's bothering me. I have a feeling that I won't know for sure even if I date a woman. Maybe I am just bisexual- see the benefits of both sexes. Attracted to both sexes. Or maybe I am afraid to commit to one team- not wanting to lose out.
Anyways. Tomorrow I am going to the bjork concert- if my friend calls me or texts me to confirm my attendance. I swear, Sags have goods and bads- they are loads of fun but boy do they suck at follow up and follow through. I understand living by the seat of one's pants- living in that moment- but I have a job and won't be coming home before the concert. So, I need to know if I should pack that extra outfit.
Besos.
Me
xo
Today I had an interesting conversation with my dad's wife- my step mom. I don't remember what we were talking about, but somehow the topic of my sexuality came up. She assumed that I was gay or dated women or dated a woman before. I asked her why she thought so, and she said I gave off a vibe of being attracted to women. I wasn't offended or put off- a little shocked only because we were talking about it so openly- but not in a bad way. I was open and honest. Told her- I don't know. I never dated a woman. I am attracted to women- but no more than a man. I could see myself having an intense emotional relationship with a woman but not sexual one. I am not sure why, though. I feel attracted to women- there are women that I meet that I want to know more. I want to know more about them- is this called attraction? When I say I want to know more, I mean that I want to know where they are from, their history, background, where they live, etc. I don't look at them physically- well I may check them out but I check out everyone. I size up everyone. I am intrigued when I see a lesbian or lesbian couple. If it is a single lesbian, I want to go up to her, just try talking to her- see if she is attracted to me. It's almost as if I am gauging her reaction to indicate to me whether or not I am a lesbo. Does that make sense?
I don't know. When it comes to guys, I feel the same way. I am attracted to men. I want to get to know some men better. I want to date men. But is this because of society reinforcing the idea that women and men are supposed to be together. That I am suppose to be swept off my feet by a strong man with a solid physique. He is suppose to protect me from everyone, be my confident, best friend. Then he buys me the big diamond ring, that looks great on my manicured nails, and we have the big, fun wedding. Then we have kids and I stop working. He is my provider. I can't imagine any of this with a woman. So, it doesn't attract me. Am I more attracted to the story sold to me? Is that what I want? I can't see having it with a woman because society doesn't tell me that I can, therefore, I don't want to be with a woman. I want to be with a man, so that story can become mine? Maybe that's it. In fact, I know that's it. Whenever, I think of myself of possibly being a lesbian, I am not happy. I get sad and scared. I don't want to be one is what my little says. I wonder what happens to the white wedding, the wedding ring, the kids, the nuclear American family? It goes away is what my little says. I do think about what some of my family members will thin. I wonder if I can have the big, happy extended family that I so desire. I don't think I can as a lesbian, therefore I reject it.
As a lesbian, who will be my protector? Who will be my provider? Can there be a lesbo relationship that's balanced meaning neither one is more butch than the other? We are both not obvious in our sexual status. Is that possible?
I was out with my brother last weekend, and I saw this group of lesbians celebrating a birthday, and I so wanted to belong. I wanted to hang out with them, too. I wanted to date one of them. Is that attraction? If I saw a pack of guys looking like they are having a good time, I would totally want the same thing. Is it just my sense of wanting to belong?
I think the only way I can solve this mystery is by dating a woman. That's the only way I will know. I feel badly using her to figure out my sexual status. But I just gotta do it. It's bothering me. I have a feeling that I won't know for sure even if I date a woman. Maybe I am just bisexual- see the benefits of both sexes. Attracted to both sexes. Or maybe I am afraid to commit to one team- not wanting to lose out.
Anyways. Tomorrow I am going to the bjork concert- if my friend calls me or texts me to confirm my attendance. I swear, Sags have goods and bads- they are loads of fun but boy do they suck at follow up and follow through. I understand living by the seat of one's pants- living in that moment- but I have a job and won't be coming home before the concert. So, I need to know if I should pack that extra outfit.
Besos.
Me
xo
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