Accckkkk

I've been avoiding my blog for the last 15 minutes. AJ:LFKDSJFLKJSDFKLJ:SLDKFJ:KLDSJFLKDSJFkl;j so tired of everything. I just stuffed mky face of crap food. And don't know why. Lard moving through my veins. My body dtrugglin' to quarentine the trash I just consumed. I slowly and deliberately kill myself and don't know why. My brain is just swimming in sludge. I can't think clearly, smoothly. I get adgitated by little shit fucking stupid people. I shop to numb myself and not deal. I am constantly on the fucking computer living vicariously through the various Wikipedia profiles that I read. Why can't I be more like my brother. Not giving a fuck and taking care of himself. wshy am I not drivin to take care of myself???? Why do I not care enough about myself, my appearance to be disciplined and commit to taking care of myself. I am looking at it rwrong. I am doing it for vain reasons as opposed to healthy reasons. I have too much stuff. I don't need to shop anymore. I have enough food. I should use what I have and be creative. I have enough clothes. If I lose weight and take care of myself, I can fit them and have a limitless wardrobe. I was healthy 18 months ago. And it all fell apart. dsflkjasdf;iljasdlfjasldkfja;dslfjlskj;asfldjlsdjf;aldsj so frustrated by everything. because i want a quick fix. i want to go back before him. before he ruined everything. be for he invaded my life, my space, my cocoon. i want to go back. wipe it from my memory, my cells memory. refuse his approaches. it has to stop now. i almost pray for an illness taht would stop me from consuming. stop me from consuming, clothes, things, people. just being content and taking what is necessary. I am so anxious. I see people like bjork and just want to be as free. i can be as free, i just have to be who i am. but who am i? i can't even tell if i like sex, men, women... so frustrated. i need a way, show me a way. help me find my way. how many times have i fucking asked this before. and i go for it, for 1 day maybe 2. that's all it lasts before i succumb and consume. its like my will, my mind laughs at me. it allows me to entertain the thought before laughing in my face.

I just want seclusion. no friends, no going out. just me. i have to see my family. but that's it. a select few. i should rid myself of this blasted computer as well. no outside communication outside of work. that's it.

short post today.